Feeds:Internetsless VIII
Spending all my time thinking about what I want from a woman, from love, from life, I never once thought about what I've already asked for. Focusing on the past and future, I occluded my own past. I'd forgotten that I'd been here before, because as soon as I wasn't, it didn't matter. I'd forgotten, and I still can't remember, but I know my own beautiful handwriting.
I want someone who wants to do interesting things, and probably make out afterwards. Paging through old notebooks as I unpack and organise, I read:
I want to be wanted. No, that's not true. I like to be wanted. What I want is a beautiful girl who is not my sister. I want someone strange, someone I don't understand. I like to be wanted, but what I want is a girl that will take walks with me at midnight, at two in the morning; a girl that I can fall asleep holding in my arms and wake up with a kiss. I'm back to the too-familiar theme of not wanting to fall asleep alone, not wanting to sleep in my own bed. It's not as bad here, sleeping in a bed that will never be mine, but I still don't want to sleep there. Maybe it's just restlessness.
I've been here before. Sorting through scraps of paper, I find something I do remember writing, a list of qualities to find in a woman, ranked into the tiers of necessity, desire, and mere preference. In need of revision: cooking and dancing deserve higher positions. Finally, just now, I remember telling friends I wanted a nice, Christian girl with good hair. All four qualities were important. Still a good guide, if I wanted a girlfriend. I don't. I don't think I do, anyway.
I want two things. I want to start on getting married and making a family, but I'm guessing at best as to how it's done. I also want the above, the going to shows and parties, the make-outs. That I'm not entirely sure how to do, either, but I'm having a lot of fun figuring it out. I reject the notion that either goal could assist the other, but I'm willing to see if I can have them work in parallel.
All those kids in high school who didn't date, I thought they were crazy then. I think they were crazy now, because only someone crazy could have come to those conclusions without having the experiences. But dating, maybe it isn't so good. Too independent to ask my parents to arrange a marriage for me, distrustful of strangers, embedded in a society that seems to have forgone courtship, what's an aspiring groom to do? Until I figure that out, I'mma keep flirting with any girl that takes my fancy, buying them drinks and making bad decisions.
It's been suggested to me that bad decisions are the only ones worth making.
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