Saturday, second week of break
"Well, you are very attractive, and you are pressing up against me." - George, Scary Movie 3
There's something great about having someone else's hair in your eyes. It's annoying, sure, but it's a sign that you're in the midst of something, something worthwhile.
I know I wish I could comic, and play guitar, but I also wish I could rap. I don't even know the difference between rap and hip-hop. Is there one? I'm such a fake on some things.
Oranges are good. During finals week, I peeled an orange for the first time in years. I found out that even with an uncooperative, messy orange -that is, one from the dining hall- it is worth the trouble. Oranges are good.
I wish I had more time to send hanging with my friends, like in high school. I miss the Sioux Falls of my high school years.
It just struck me that I wish my first kiss hadn't been with Amanda.
I think I'm still afraid of girls. I may be less obvious about it, but it's still there. "I'm still a coward through to Z", to quote half of myself. Come to think of it, I'm wearing the new 'scared to death of chicks' Snoopy boxers I got for Christmas. Of course, writing this, I'm not thinking of all girls so much as I am of a particular girl. As bad as I may be with the concept of dating, the concept of not dating confuses the monkey out of me. I tell myself that I should probably ask her what she meant by that, but I probably won't. It seems so forward, so insensitive, and so very, very creey. Now, in general, I don't have a roblem with being insensitive and creepy, but I still know that it's no way to win a girl.
I want very much to go back home, because I know that I don't belong here, but I also want not to leave Sioux Falls without spending some time with each of my friends. Lisa was supposed to go to the show with me tonight, but she disapeared. At least we had a lunch together. Erin I haven't even talked to, and Shavon only briefly when I ran into her at Best Buy. Nate's living in Ames, Paul has headed out to Pierre to spend time with Ursula, and Shaina I haven't seen since she picked me up from the airport. Oh, yeah, and I just this afternoon got Sophie's and and Nicki LaFleur's respective phone numbers. I leave Tuesday, bright and early, and Sunday is going to be a family day, which I resent only mildy, and that possibly only because the plan is that we'll be watching The Green Mile together.
That leaves Monday, and maybe Sunday night. Monday night is the Spill Canvas concert, which I don't want to miss, and maybe I can bring someone with me. I'm hooking up with Shaina at noon. With any luck I can go to Powerhouse Sunday night, and hopefully see Shavon (and maybe others) there, and hang out with Erin afterward. Gena invited me to a card night Monday, but I have no idea when or where that is. As for Sophie or Nicki, who knows. At least I got to spend some time with Matt and see my cat, raight?
Say, I need to take me some pictures of that cat.
Monday, first week of winter break
"We clean our bathroom every night." - 'Evil Paul' Cuselos, 06/07/03
Do I feel lonely? I don't want to know. Do I trivialize my lonliness? Of course; the question should be, do I overtrivialize my lonliness? Do I trivialize it to a degree that is not healthy?
Ah, health. Such an insufficient word.
Am I still in love with Erin? I tell myself I'm not. I love her, dearly, to be sure. But I refuse to be in love with her anymore. I haven't been in love with her for a couple years now. I have no room for dead carnations. Maybe, someday, I could be in love with her again. But not when I live ten hours away, and not until she seizes her independance.
I should call Nate tomorrow. I know that at least he is in town. I should really have called Erin already. And Shavon, since I promised I would. But, hey, this is still only my first day back, and I already went to the mall with friends.
I will not waste this vacation. I am not already doomed to failure.
I've decided to sleep in tomorrow. Hopefully, by the time I wake up, I will have created a world where I am living the magical-realism superero fairytale.
It was actually Matthew Perry that reminded me about that, the movement and all. See you in the new world.
Friday, Finals Week
"Those weren't dates; those were love odysseys." - Drew, 6/13
You know, I think I update the links page more often than this one. 'Pink Triangle' has replaced 'The Good Life' as my favorite song by Weezer. It's such an absolutely great song. I've listened to it something over twenty times in the past 16 hours, six of which I spent sleeping.
This paper is ugh. Not only is it due in paper form an hour and a half before I thought it was, but I keep relapsing into despair. It's no good. Of course, my 'tussle with the fuzz', as Geoff puts it, didn't help either. You see, Nancy is very much a pyro, and had a whole bunch of fireworks, so we were going to set them off in the park. We did this at a bit past two in the morning. It was the least bright thing I've done all quarter, I'd say. You know, bottle rockets sound a lot like gunshots. And incidentally, parks close long before two in the morning and fireworks are illegal in Chicago. Ergo, we got fined.... after standing around in the cold for almost three quarters of an hour. I have a court date for the sixth of January. Fun, huh? Geoff and Antoine, who had tagged along, also got tickets. Good think Geoff, who was the only one who had been drinking, did a good job of acting sober. I found out afterward that he was actually pretty sloshed. *headshake* What a crazy night.
"Everyone's a little queer; well, can't she be a little straight?"
Wednesday, Finals Week
"I made sure to sweat as much as possible." - Gerry, 12/09
I think that it may be only when I genuinely have other things that I should be doing that I write a decent post. Just now, I was over at Hannah's site and for some reason, reading her 'diary' over there made me wish my life was a bit more dramatic. I know, I've expressed this before. On a related-in-a-way-that-may-not-seem-immediately-obvious note, go check out all the cool stuff Spaces has over at Orange Rocks.
Hold the phone; my roommate just did the funniest thing in the world. He answered the phone in his normal way, said something like "Yes.... just a minute," at which point I thought maybe the call was for me. But then, he pauses briefly, and in a much deeper voice says, "Yes?" I don't know what happened afterward, because I was laughing too hard. Oh, man.
So anyway, I really like her drawing style. Check out that picture she's got up over at her lj raight now, it's really nice. While I'm talking about pretty pictures, I currently have this as my wallpaper. And I don't care terribly how much anyone may care to mock me for it; I frankly think it quite a nice picture, and certainly appropriate for a backdrop. Anyway.
So last time, I said something about a post that was "emotional, introspective, and dangerous." I've found that, in general, those kind of things tend to clear up on their own rather quickly. However, this subject is one that has continued to plaque me in the week since. Er, that is, plague me. Pardon the dental-hygeine-related Freudian slip.
There is a song on my computer by the band Ruth's Hat called "I Don't Want to Fall in Love". It's a good song, upbeat and catchy, and I'd recommend it to all of you. In any case, I bet you can guess what the song is about. My problem is, a large part of me does want to fall in love, whereas a fraction complains that such and ordeal -ordeal, I say- would much up my life and my finances. This struggle, however, is still not the source of my distress. Have you ever seen one of those movies where at least one individual is trying -sometimes quite hard- not to fall in love with a particular other person, but in the end, they both end up together and giddy? Well, then you can probably picture the state I'm in. Just make it more realistic, perhaps, and don't assume, like you would with the movie, that such a resistance is inevitably futile. I'm trying not to fall in love, trying to convince myself I can't fall in love. Of course, I don't believe in falling in love, and I never have. Love is a choice, but quite frankly, it can sometimes be a very tempting one to make. And when i say tempting, I mean it in a sense that carries at least some of the negative connotations the word implies.
Alright, maybe I should make things a bit more concrete for a moment, as I'm sure they'll phase further into the realm of [theory? emotion? sentiment?] soon anyway. This girl, whom I find so attractive as to be in a position where I might conceivably 'fall is love' with her, is Anna. Sixth floor Anna, that is, not eighth-floor Anna. Yeah, I know, what is it with me and girls named Anna? I feel so creepy writing this and whatnot, but that's what this thing is for, the discussion of my emotions and recordificationality of my life. But anyway, yeah. I realize she might be pissed off/hurt/insulted/confused by whatever I may end up writing here, but hopefully, she never be reading this. I don't think that's entirely unlikely, but then again, I suffer under the impression that no one really reads this. Not that I blame them.
Coui aye. How many times can I subconsciously distract myself from this? Anyway, much as I adore Anna's company (and her cooking) I can't help but know that being in love with her would be extrordinarily bad. It's not that I think she'd be against it, or that I fear my feelings would not be returned. I mean, I've been through all that before and I got a rubber heart to show for it, right? And besides, I suspect.... but that could just be my egoism. No, it's more that if I were in love with her, I would want a relationship with her, and Anna, much as I adore and respect her, is an atheist. This introduces, of course, the surface problem of hypocrisy, which, since I am, in fact, a bastard (in the vernacular sense) would probably not stop me by itself. This hypocrisy would arise from the moral maxims I have stoutly maintained about Christians dating non Christians, the ones I developed sometime after my relationship with Lisa. I know that only Pride couldconvinceme that such a deal-jobby would work, and I am most certainly (I hope) not going to do something directed by my pride, which some of y'all may recall as being my worst vice and most hated enemy. But this hypocrisy is not so compelling as the maxims themselves. I know what they mean, I know where they come from, and I know why they're there, but most of all I agree with them. My pride tells me 'maybe it can be different this time' but we all no there's no reason why it should be. My pride tells me that 'just dating her wouldn't do any harm, surely; it's not like you're marrying her', but again, I could not abide to go into a relationship I knew I had no intention of bringing to fruit, callous as that may sound of me. Some might say that love is not a thing of reason, but I disagree completely; anything of that much importance must by very nature be practical. The very last nailin the coffin is the fear, despite a strong precedent to the contrary, that if we had some sort of relationship, and it went south, it might damage our friendship, which I value.
Am I going to talk with her about any of this? Oh, heavens, no. That would only make life akward, in all probability. Precisely the reason that I went over it with myself here instead.
You know, I realized after writing almost all of that that I'd been using the word 'relationship' in the manner currently popular in society to mean 'romantic relationship'. Romantic? Relationship? I couldn't easily define the concepts begind those words. It disturbs me that I've been using such ill-defined terms this whole time. Perhaps that SOSC class has been influencing me for the worse all this time....
Yeah, the class for which I still have to write a 10-12 page paper on a subject I don't understand which does not appear to be mentioned in any of the five books I still mostly haven't read that's due in thirty-seven-some hours. Fun, huh? Coui aye 'market society'. Bah.
Wednesday, Tenth Week
"They're real pants.... headpants." - Maria, 12/04
DEATH DESTRUCTION VIOLENCE
Or not. I barely even speak Spanish.
Soooo.... yeah. I was going to post something emotional, introspective, and dangerous, but I just now suddenly became really tired. But I did finally patch those pants. No, not the patchy ones, the other ones, with the flannel. Yeah. I must say, the flannel looks better as just one patch, but there's no way I'm redoing this other patch again. Bah.
No, but really, tacos are good. And I mean that in a good way.
The best possible way.
Wednesday, Tenth Week
"At last, I'm the first to predict the past; I can see into the previous and have the last laugh." - 'Nothing' by Furthermore
Also, "What would you say if you saw yourself sideways? 'Just who is that?' is what you would ask." Or, "She's punk-rock-sensitive, he's dry humour slapstick; he's clear-cut confusion, she's naturally plastic." Man, Furthermore is so very much the bomb. Who said good things never come out of Utah?
Ok, a lot of people have said that. I've said that. Still.
Um.... had a reason for posting.... thingy....
Oh, yeah, pictures. From Fall Formal. Check it out.
Also, I don't recall that I ever posted this bit of fun:
I like tacos.
Monday, Tenth Week
"Besides, there are too many heretics around, and not enough fire." - Geoff, 12/01
So much has happened....
Played pogs (you remember pogs, raight?) in the middle of the night with Sepehr and Courtney. I won most of the time.
Heli Attack 2.
Finally unlocked Lizardman in Soul Calibur II.
Still haven't turned in my Marx paper.
Or my fake lab report. I'm turning it in on Wednesday and pretending I was 'confused'.
Tried to sneak into the Art Institute residence hall.
Went to Stretch Armstrong concert, only to find it cancelled. Shafters.
Followed a pair of Art Institute students, hoping they'd lead me to fun and excitement, or at least a party. They just walked around the block. Shafters.
Found out I was engaged.
Broke off engagement.
Failed as a human being. I am now metahuman. Raar.
Had two Thanksgiving dinners.
Got a perfect score on my CS homework.
That should be it. No particular order.
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