Feeds:Wednesday, Finals Week
"I made sure to sweat as much as possible." - Gerry, 12/09
I think that it may be only when I genuinely have other things that I should be doing that I write a decent post. Just now, I was over at Hannah's site and for some reason, reading her 'diary' over there made me wish my life was a bit more dramatic. I know, I've expressed this before. On a related-in-a-way-that-may-not-seem-immediately-obvious note, go check out all the cool stuff Spaces has over at Orange Rocks.
Hold the phone; my roommate just did the funniest thing in the world. He answered the phone in his normal way, said something like "Yes.... just a minute," at which point I thought maybe the call was for me. But then, he pauses briefly, and in a much deeper voice says, "Yes?" I don't know what happened afterward, because I was laughing too hard. Oh, man.
So anyway, I really like her drawing style. Check out that picture she's got up over at her lj raight now, it's really nice. While I'm talking about pretty pictures, I currently have this as my wallpaper. And I don't care terribly how much anyone may care to mock me for it; I frankly think it quite a nice picture, and certainly appropriate for a backdrop. Anyway.
So last time, I said something about a post that was "emotional, introspective, and dangerous." I've found that, in general, those kind of things tend to clear up on their own rather quickly. However, this subject is one that has continued to plaque me in the week since. Er, that is, plague me. Pardon the dental-hygeine-related Freudian slip.
There is a song on my computer by the band Ruth's Hat called "I Don't Want to Fall in Love". It's a good song, upbeat and catchy, and I'd recommend it to all of you. In any case, I bet you can guess what the song is about. My problem is, a large part of me does want to fall in love, whereas a fraction complains that such and ordeal -ordeal, I say- would much up my life and my finances. This struggle, however, is still not the source of my distress. Have you ever seen one of those movies where at least one individual is trying -sometimes quite hard- not to fall in love with a particular other person, but in the end, they both end up together and giddy? Well, then you can probably picture the state I'm in. Just make it more realistic, perhaps, and don't assume, like you would with the movie, that such a resistance is inevitably futile. I'm trying not to fall in love, trying to convince myself I can't fall in love. Of course, I don't believe in falling in love, and I never have. Love is a choice, but quite frankly, it can sometimes be a very tempting one to make. And when i say tempting, I mean it in a sense that carries at least some of the negative connotations the word implies.
Alright, maybe I should make things a bit more concrete for a moment, as I'm sure they'll phase further into the realm of [theory? emotion? sentiment?] soon anyway. This girl, whom I find so attractive as to be in a position where I might conceivably 'fall is love' with her, is Anna. Sixth floor Anna, that is, not eighth-floor Anna. Yeah, I know, what is it with me and girls named Anna? I feel so creepy writing this and whatnot, but that's what this thing is for, the discussion of my emotions and recordificationality of my life. But anyway, yeah. I realize she might be pissed off/hurt/insulted/confused by whatever I may end up writing here, but hopefully, she never be reading this. I don't think that's entirely unlikely, but then again, I suffer under the impression that no one really reads this. Not that I blame them.
Coui aye. How many times can I subconsciously distract myself from this? Anyway, much as I adore Anna's company (and her cooking) I can't help but know that being in love with her would be extrordinarily bad. It's not that I think she'd be against it, or that I fear my feelings would not be returned. I mean, I've been through all that before and I got a rubber heart to show for it, right? And besides, I suspect.... but that could just be my egoism. No, it's more that if I were in love with her, I would want a relationship with her, and Anna, much as I adore and respect her, is an atheist. This introduces, of course, the surface problem of hypocrisy, which, since I am, in fact, a bastard (in the vernacular sense) would probably not stop me by itself. This hypocrisy would arise from the moral maxims I have stoutly maintained about Christians dating non Christians, the ones I developed sometime after my relationship with Lisa. I know that only Pride couldconvinceme that such a deal-jobby would work, and I am most certainly (I hope) not going to do something directed by my pride, which some of y'all may recall as being my worst vice and most hated enemy. But this hypocrisy is not so compelling as the maxims themselves. I know what they mean, I know where they come from, and I know why they're there, but most of all I agree with them. My pride tells me 'maybe it can be different this time' but we all no there's no reason why it should be. My pride tells me that 'just dating her wouldn't do any harm, surely; it's not like you're marrying her', but again, I could not abide to go into a relationship I knew I had no intention of bringing to fruit, callous as that may sound of me. Some might say that love is not a thing of reason, but I disagree completely; anything of that much importance must by very nature be practical. The very last nailin the coffin is the fear, despite a strong precedent to the contrary, that if we had some sort of relationship, and it went south, it might damage our friendship, which I value.
Am I going to talk with her about any of this? Oh, heavens, no. That would only make life akward, in all probability. Precisely the reason that I went over it with myself here instead.
You know, I realized after writing almost all of that that I'd been using the word 'relationship' in the manner currently popular in society to mean 'romantic relationship'. Romantic? Relationship? I couldn't easily define the concepts begind those words. It disturbs me that I've been using such ill-defined terms this whole time. Perhaps that SOSC class has been influencing me for the worse all this time....
Yeah, the class for which I still have to write a 10-12 page paper on a subject I don't understand which does not appear to be mentioned in any of the five books I still mostly haven't read that's due in thirty-seven-some hours. Fun, huh? Coui aye 'market society'. Bah.
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