Feeds:Tuesday, week of the Autumnal Equinox
"That's why we go to doctor, and say 'Observe our feeble bodies, and tell us the mysteries that lie within!'" -Claire, 2023-08-01
The part of my brain that assigns urgency is busted.
It gives a lot of false positives, which manifests as anxiety, addictive behavior, and ADHD symptoms. It also gives a lot of false negatives, which manifests as more ADHD symptoms.
I just want to be able to remember things I have to do. No, that's greedy at this point. I just want to be able to remember that there are things I have to do, and also to remember to write down the things I have to do and ideally when I have to do them. But this is the easy half, and bullet journalling gets me halfway there. Well, half of half, so a quarter of the way.
What's really throwing my gears out of whack is the false positives. I used to be really good at not caring about things. I was an avatar of apathy. A herald of heedlessness. A mighty behemoth of minding my own beeswax. But alas. These were the halcyon days of youth, and I now have responsibilities. I'm not willing to say things like "everything was better in the 90's (when coincidentally I had all my physical needs attended for me)" in the way that's all too popular (and always has been). So now I must care deeply about a few important things, and it's throwing my ability to not care less about unimportant things all askew. Partly, to bring us back to the above complaint, because somewhere along the line I picked up a slate of things I care about, and I seem to have lost the ability to sort them by urgency.
And partly this is because there are people I care about, people who I don't really understand and whom I find hard to predict, and I can't be truly happy while they are unhappy. And since they are also sometimes bad at assigning urgency to their wants, the problem compounds from them through a mirror darkly to me, with possible false positives (and false negatives!) on both ends, so even if and when we communicate more effectively, an ongoing struggle, I still end up not knowing what I should be caring about. And I imaging the same problem happens in reverse.
This, THIS, I don't have an even halfway solution for.
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